


i wonder (what its like)

by pinkmilkshorty



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Jealousy, M/M, Songfic, Unrequited Love, no happy ending, so if you dont like him you are in the wrong place, the character tags are the ones who are most centric, this is tsukishima centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:33:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27395767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkmilkshorty/pseuds/pinkmilkshorty
Summary: wonder;verb1.desire or be curious to know something.tsukishima wonders many things, but most of all he wonders about kuroo.songfic; wonder by shawn mendes
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Haiba Lev/Hinata Shouyou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Minor or Background Relationship(s), One Sided - Relationship, Terushima Yuuji/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 20
Kudos: 36





	i wonder (what its like)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [moldytoast](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moldytoast/gifts).



_ I wonder if I’m being real, Do I speak my truth or do I filter how I feel? _

Tsukishima knew he was fucked the moment he met Kuroo. Well, he knew he was falling, he didn’t find out he was fucked until much later. The first time he talked to Kuroo was far too short for his taste and he was probably far too brash and rude but he honestly he counted it as a win. Besides, he got updates every once in a while from Hinata, who had exchanged numbers with their setter, and would show the team selfies he sent sometimes, which Kuroo was almost always with, now was one of those times.

“Guys!!! Kenma sent a picture!!” Hinata said, as he came barrelling into the gym waving his phone around. 

“Hinata you dumbass, you’re gonna drop your phone if you wave it around like that!” Kageyama followed him in, giving Hinata a quick cuff to the back of the head. Hinata had just grumbled in response, shoving the phone in the middle of where the team had gathered, Tsukishima staying towards the back to feign uninterest. He soured slightly when he realized it was a team selfie, and he could barely even make out Kuroo, but looked nonetheless. 

“He said Nekoma is excited to see us at the training camp!” Hinata said, he had a bright smile on his face and if Tsukishima would’ve thought he had a crush on the guy, if he wasn't dating some new member the team had that Kenma had introduced him too. Tsukishima thought his name was Lev, or something, but he hadn’t really been paying attention. Daichi had clapped, bringing him out of his musing and they started practice, the training camp was only a few days away, and they wanted to be as good as possible, considering they were almost all working on something new, pretty much every practice had been hell. 

_ I wonder, wouldn’t it be nice, to live in a world that isn’t black and white? _

Yamaguchi found out about his barely crush the night before the camp. They were in his room, Yamaguchi had spent the night because he lived closer to the school. Tsukishima was laying on his bed, attempting to do homework while Yamaguchi sat next to him. Apparently Tsukishima had been staring off into space, because Yamaguchi had said his name a few times with no response, Tsukishima was thinking of what he would do when he saw Kuroo, the next day and he had no intention of telling his friend that. Unless he asked apparently, because Yamaguchi had asked what had him so distracted and Tsukishima had replied without thinking.

“Kuroo.” His eyes widened and he slapped a hand over his mouth, embarrassed that he had said it out loud. 

“Nekomas captain?” Yamaguchi asked, shock in his voice. 

“Oh my god, Yamaguchi if you tell anyone about this, I swear.”

“Calm down Tsukki! I’m not gonna tell anyone! I think it's sweet, young romance!” Tsukishima groaned at that, letting his face fall onto his bedsheets, ready for the ground to swallow him whole, he did not want to be discussing this with Yamaguchi, with anyone for that matter. 

“Look, really, it’s nothing, barely a crush. I mean I’ve only spoken to him once! If anything it's merely a simple infatuation. It’ll be done as quickly as it started.” Tsukishima said, earning a shrug and tentative okay from Yamaguchi, leaving him to go back to thinking about a certain captain. If only he had known his prediction about his little crush was oh so very wrong. 

_ I wonder what it's like to be my friends, hope that they don't think I'll forget about them. _

Tsukishima spent the bus ride to Tokyo thinking of what could happen, both bad and good, making him far more anxious than he should’ve been.

_ I wonder _

The first day had been fine, everyone stayed behind to work on specialty things, Tsukishima had nothing, so he was just planning on going to bed. Too bad the universe had other ideas.

_ I wonder _

“Hey you! The tall blonde from Karasuno! Come block for us!” He froze, he knew that voice. He turned to where the voice had come from, and low and behold, in all his glory, stood Kuroo, ever present smirk on his face. 

“Im sorry, but no.” He wondered why he didn’t jump at the chance to spend time with Kuroo, but at the same time, he knew he was scared of making a fool of himself.

“Please!” Another voice joined in, Tsukishima recognized him as Fukurodani’s ace, coming into view from around the corner.

“No offense, but why not ask someone from your own teams?” He asked, desperately wanting to go to bed and be done with this conversation. 

“Bokuto-san always ends up hitting for too long, so everyone from our team leaves the second practice is done.” A third voice added, Fukurodani's setter if he remembered, he's pretty sure the ace, Bokuto, had referred to him as Akaashi. 

“And I’m helping this idiot with receives," Kuroo said, gesturing behind him where Lev was laying on the floor, clearly exhausted. “He may have natural height, but his technical work is still shit.”

“Im right here!” Lev yells indignantly, before adding on, “I can block! Please!” Kuroo turned and started yelling at him, but Tsukishima turned his attention back to Bokuto, who had started talking again.

“Please! Hitting is no fun without blockers!” Bokuto pleaded, and Tsukishima was about to deny and go to bed when Kuroo rejoined the conversation. 

“Besides, you're a middle blocker aren't you? Bokuto here is one of the top five aces in the country, don't you think practicing against him would benefit you?” Kuroo smirked, like he knew that would strike a chord with Tsukishima, he was right but that wasn’t the point. He agreed and he blocked for a bit, never successfully, but he didn’t expect to be successful, Bokuto was simply more talented than him, and it didn’t help that his mind just kept wandering over to the nuisance helping Lev receive, just a few feet away. 

_ Right before I close my eyes, the only thing that's on my mind. _

Nothing ever goes quite right for Tsukishima though, and eventually his ineptitude gets brought up. He brushes it off, stating that Hinata surpassing him is inevitable, there's a clear gap of potential between them. Kuroo looked like he was going to say something, when the rest of Nekoma walked in, yelling about blocking, Tsukishima had taken that as his cue to leave, and did just that, making his way solemnly down the sidewalk to the dorms. The night seemed colder than it was before, but he brushed that off as him being dramatic. By the time he got back to the dorms, he really was ready to collapse, barely making time for personal hygiene before passing out. 

_ Been dreaming that you feel it too,  _

He had dreamt of Kuroo that night, nothing weird, just of holding his hand, being near him, he thought that this seemed to be more than a normal infatuation, but ignored it, just wanting to focus on the day. The day which was filled with practice match, after practice match, after uphill run, after uphill run, just to be followed up with getting chewed out by Yamaguchi. That at least gave him the courage to go back to gym three and talk to Bokuto, Akaashi, and of course Kuroo. And of course Kuroo was so inspiring and kind, Tsukishima could feel himself falling deeper even though he knew it was a bad idea. He practiced with them every night of the camp, Hinata joining after he found out Lev was there, and the second to last night is when he knew he was fucked. 

“Bokuto, do you know where Kuroo went?” Tsukishima asked, taking a drink from his water bottle and wiping sweat from his forehead. They had been practicing blocks for a bit, and Tsukishima had even managed to actually block a few. Kuroo had left a little bit ago, mumbling some excuse and Tsukishima was starting to get worried. A little voice in his head would tell him that he had no right to be worried, considering they weren’t actually dating, but Tsukishima rationalized it as the same type of worry he’d have for a friend. 

“Not sure Tsukki-dude!” Bokuto responded, he had sat down and was leaning against Akaashi, who looked like he was asleep. 

“I’m gonna go make sure he's okay.” Bokuto responded in acknowledgement and Tsukishima set off. He was pretty sure Kuroo had gone left, so he started that way, he turned off when he thought he heard a noise, walking along the thin concrete path between the gyms to get to the back of them. 

He wished he hadn’t. 

He had found Kuroo, unfortunately. Tsukishima had clearly interrupted something, but neither of the people in front of him seemed to mind as he dashed off, back to the front of the gyms and straight to the dorms, before he holed himself up in a bathroom stall, panic settling in his chest. He felt like he was gonna be sick, and he knew, he just knew, that nothing he had done had physically interrupted them. No, he was positive that if he were to go back there behind that gym they would still be there. 

Kuroo and Kenma, kissing. 

_ I wonder what it's like to be loved by you. _

He was still gonna practice with them. Was being the keyword. He had showed up, and instantly regretted his decision. Kenma had joined them today. He tried to bear through it, he really did, but he was more aware of when they would flirt and stuff. After about the third not at all subtle wink, he made up some excuse about getting rest and left. Tsukishima didn’t practice with them after that. Hinata had asked where he was, he had ignored the question until he gave up. Bokuto had asked as well, but Akaashi had the common sense to drag him away when he noticed that Tsukishima was not in the mood. 

Kuroo didn’t ask.

_ Yeah, I wonder what it’s like, I wonder what it's like to be loved by _

Hinata announced that Kuroo and Kenma were dating to the team on the way back, saying that Kenma had just texted him about it. Tsukishima just pulled his headphones up, blaring music in an attempt to drown out the pitying gaze of Yamaguchi to his left. He wanted to be home already. He regretted everything about this training camp.

_ I wonder why I’m so afraid, of saying something wrong, I never said I was a saint _

Tsukishima and Kuroo kept in touch, Kuroo had gotten his number somehow and Tsukishima would never have the heart to ignore him. He was always cautious though, never too nice, never too, close, never too much. Just, there. Somehow though, him and Kuroo had grown close, they knew a lot about each other, and Tsukishima would sometimes regret ever saying hi to Kuroo. 

He asked Tsukishima about his brother, and Tsukishima told him. He asked Kuroo about his past, and Kuroo had told him. Tsukishima had tried to stop his nose from wrinkling at the mention of Kenma but he couldn’t really help it.

Things might have been easier if he had someone he could talk to about this, but he had told Yamaguchi he had moved on, and the other had said it was good for him, so he knew what he would say if Yamaguchi knew the truth. Besides, Yamaguchi had met someone at the Spring preliminaries, he’s pretty sure it was Johzenjis captain, Terushima maybe? He wasn’t sure, the point is, Yamaguchi was happy, and Tsukishima wasn’t gonna burden him with his unrequited feelings. He wasn't close enough to anyone else to regularly talk to them about this, so he just sort of, ignored it. He treaded water around Kuroo, trying to make sure he didn’t let slip just how much his crush had grown. 

_ I wonder, when I cry into my hands, I'm conditioned to feel like I'm less of a man.  _

He remembers the day he finds out Kuroo and Kenma were moving in together, it had been like a sucker punch to the gut, he had locked himself in his room, as childish as it sounded, and let everything he had been holding in throughout the past few few years, and he cried. He let himself be sad, angry, jealous, but most of all, in love. He was so in love with Kuroo. He wasn’t sure when it had turned from a silly childhood crush to love, but it had. 

They had invited him out the next night, and foolishly, he had agreed, it was a Friday and he didn’t have any homework so why not. He ended being extra passive aggressive towards the two of them that night. If Kuroo noticed he didn’t say anything, Kenma however, somehow knew.

“Tsukishima do you not like me?” He stopped short, Kenma had asked it so bluntly Tsukishima wasn’t sure if he had heard him right. Kuroo had gone to the bathroom, so Kenma must’ve seen this as his chance to ask. He mulled over his answer for a bit, it wasn't that he disliked Kenma, but he wouldn't exactly consider them friends.

“Where’d you get that from.” He chose to go with, taking a sip of his drink, before folding his hands on the table top. Kenma was sat across from him and he was staring unblinking at Tsukishima, half his hair had been pulled up, and Tsukishima understood what Kuroo saw in him, he just, he wished he had seen it in Tsukishima instead.

“Well, I know you're not exactly friendly by nature, but I also know you're extremely respectful.” He paused, looking at Tsukishima like he was searching for an answer in the too thin hair, or the thick glasses. “And I’m very good at reading people, and you’ve been tense since the moment you walked in. I figured if you had an issue with Kuroo, he would’ve known by now, considering you guys hang out a lot, so that leaves me with one answer. It's me.” Kenma tilted his head, almost like a challenge. He knew he was right, he just wanted Tsukishimas confirmation. 

“I have no issue with you.” Tsukishima said, turning his head to the left and clearing his throat before he looked forward again. “Its a problem with me, don’t worry, Kenma-san.” He plastered on a fake smile and did his best to swallow his pride. 

_ And I wonder if someday you'll be by my side, and tell me that the world will end up alright.  _

Maybe in some universe, he had made a move the first time he met Kuroo. Maybe in some universe, it was love at first site. But in this universe? In this universe he was too little, too late. He does however, sometimes wish that he and Kuroo had never even become friends, maybe then, maybe he'd be free of feeling this way for one of his best friends. There's no point in thinking all of this, though, at least not right now. He couldn’t very well stop talking to kuroo, the other was far too obstinate for that. It was one of the things he loved about him. His pride and stubbornness. 

He wished he was half as passionate about anything. Kuroo and Kenma came to his graduation.

“Tsukki!!” Kuroo had dragged him into a hug when he yelled this. 

“Don't call me that Kuroo-san.” He said, pushing Kuroo off after an acceptable time, already missing his warmth, and wishing they could’ve stayed like that. Kuroo ignored him completely and continued what he was saying.

“Congratulations Tsukki!! I always knew you could do it!” Kuroo had such a genuine smile on his face and if they were dating Tsukishima would’ve kissed him. But they weren't. So he didn’t. Instead he settled for returning his smile, just as brightly. 

“Yeah Tsukishima, congratulations. Where are you going to college?” Kenma piped up from Kuroo’s side. 

“Ah, Sendai.” He said awkwardly, he had hinted at going to Tokyo for college in the past, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that, if he went to Sendai at least he wouldn’t have to see Kuroo and Kenma on a regular basis. There would be some separation. Separation which he desperately needed. He could see Kuroo deflate though, and his heart ached, he wished he could do something to make him smile again. 

“Oh, did, Tokyo not work out then?”

“No.” He couldn’t bring himself to say anything else, didn’t trust himself. 

“Oh,” Kuroo's face fell, before a smile formed. “Well, it's not like we’ll never see you!” He slung an arm around Kenma's shoulders, who just smiled awkwardly.

“Yeah.” Tsukishima nodded slightly. Kuroo and Kenma left after that, explaining that they didn’t want to get back too late. Tsukishima wanted to hate them, but he couldn't.

_ I wonder _

Tsukishima is starting to think the world has it out for him. Especially moments like these, when they’re hanging out and Kuroo has had a bit too much to drink and he starts getting handsy. Touching people's shoulders, arms, legs, neck. It never lasts long, and Kenma always collects him before he tries anything too risque. Tsukishima can’t decide if he's thankful for that or not. 

_ I wonder _

His first game was terrifying. It probably would’ve been way easier, but right before his first serve he heard cheering and looked over to see none other than Kuroo Tetsurou. He was, of course, with Kenma, they had also brought Bokuto, Akaashi, Lev, and Hinata. The whole gang. The others would’ve been fine, but Kuroo had caught him off guard. He tried to shake it off and serve and he thought he did okay. However he was so thrown off, he could hardly focus for the rest of the game. They greeted him after, and offered to take him out for drinks, he explained that he and Koganegawa had already set up a team bonding thing, and made his way away from the group. He thought he was in the clear, about to enter the locker room, when something made him stop.

“Tsukki!” He stopped, turning around to see Kuroo standing there. 

“Kuroo-san, what did you need?” They were well away from the others, and Tsukishima was thankful for that.

“Well um I wanted to run something by you.” He seemed uncharacteristically nervous. Tsukishima crossed his arms, suddenly much more apprehensive. He nodded for Kuroo to continue. He pulled something out of his pocket and Tsukishima felt his heart squeeze and stomach turn. “I’m gonna ask Kenma to marry me.” Kuroo was holding out a ringbox, with a simple but elegant ring in it. 

Perfect for  him Kenma. 

_ Right before I close my eyes, the only thing that’s on my mind _

“Oh, congratulations.” He said, forcing a fake smile onto his face. His eyes stung, and he knew if he was there for too long, he would be crying. 

“Thanks. Uhm I actually had something else I wanted to ask.” Tsukishima nodded again and Kuroo continued. “I want you to be my best man.” He felt something cold in his chest. Something heavy and suffocating. 

“Y-yeah, of course dude.” He choked out, ready to be done with this conversation. Something in Kuroo’s expression changed and he moved forward, reaching out.

“Whoah, Tsukki, are you okay? You’re crying.” Kuroo started to reach his hands up, seemingly to wipe his tears away, but Tsukishima slapped his hands away.

“Don't. Sorry.” He hadn’t realized he had started crying. “I’m just really happy for you two.” He said, forcing a smile onto his face, as he wiped the tears away, laughing slightly. It seemed to appease Kuroo, because he laughed a little as well. Bokuto called Kuroo from a distance, complaining about being hungry.

“Sorry, I gotta go, I’ll text you though, I didn’t know you were such a romantic Tsukki!” Kuroo said, walking away. Tsukishima just stood there, tears streaming down his face, a pit deep in his stomach. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there. Eventually, Koganegawa came and got him, shaking him out of his reverie and asking if he was okay. Tsukishima just nodded, unable to force words from his throat. He didn't end up going out, Koganegawa had walked him home, telling him he’d tell the team that Tsukishima wasn’t feeling good. He was grateful.

_ Been dreaming that you feel it too _

Sometimes Tsukishima wished he could’ve fallen for someone like Koganegawa. He was nice to him, always listened, always seemed to know what to say. 

Life isn’t some sappy movie though, and unfortunately, he's still in love with Kuroo when he wakes up every morning. At this point, Tsukishima doubts he’ll love again. When he first came to this realization he was mad. Infuriated. Who gave Kuroo the right to come into his life, and just, take away one of the biggest parts of it without even realizing. He had served so hard in practice the coach had told him to take a breather, consisting of him going outside and screaming as loud as he could. That was before. Now, he's mostly accepted it. He couldn’t really blame Kuroo for all of it, Tsukishima had an equal part in it, seeing as he knew that if he had the chance to go back, he’d do it all again. He’d rather have a miniscule part in Kuroo’s life than none at all. 

_ I wonder what it's like to be loved by you _

The wedding ceremony was beautiful. 

Tsukishima would know.

He didn’t bring a date, opting instead to bring Koganegawa as a friend. Kenma’s best man was Hinata, so the walk down the aisle was awkward to say the least. Made only worse by the fact that they had decided Kenma would be the one to walk down the aisle while Kuroo waited at the altar, leaving Tsukishima’s imagination to run wild, ruined only by actually arriving at the altar. He was brutally reminded that no, this wasn't his wedding, he was just a guest. 

Kenma looked lovely. Dressed in a white tux, Tsukishima knew Kenma was everything he would never be. Kenma wasn't too gangly or tall, his hair wasn't thin and wiry, he had good vision, he wasn’t rude to strangers, but most of all, he was loved by Kuroo. And really, when it came down to it, that was the important thing wasn’t it.

_ Yeah, I wonder what it's like, I wonder what it's like to be loved by you  _

He doesn’t remember the vows. He doesn’t even remember giving the speech he gave other than the fact that he cried during it. He managed to get Koganegawa to fake some sort of illness to get him out of there early, explaining the situation and crying while he did it. He just wanted to be home. The only place he could get some sort of reprieve from the man who monopolized his heart in one fell swoop. 

  
Koganegawa stopped by every once in a while, he was the only one who really knew what was happening. It was about the fourth week after the wedding, he got a knock at his door and had assumed it was Koganegawa, like usual and had answered it without thinking, still in his pajamas. Instead of his teammate however, stood Kuroo. 

“Oh, hey.” Seeing him now just renewed the well of heartache that had made its home inside of Tsukishimas chest. 

“Hey Tsukki, I haven’t heard from you in a while, are you okay?” Kuroo asked, fidgeting nervously at the door, like he expected to be invited in. Tsukishima wasn’t going to.

“Yeah, I’m fine Kuroo-san. Is that all you needed?” Kuroo looked hurt and Tsukishima almost felt bad. Almost. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Look Kuroo, I think we both know you don't want my answer. You don't want to know everything, because it would cause this little world you built to come crashing down. So yes. I'm fine. Now please, I'm grieving the loss of my heart.” Tsukishima shut the door, cutting off whatever Kuroo was about to say. There had been such a deep look of confusion, and pain, on Kuroo's face. He wanted to reopen the door, but he knew Kuroo would be gone, and even if he wasn’t, that was a whole can of worms he had no intention on opening now, or ever. 

For now he was just okay with letting it be. Kuroo was happy and really, that was Tsukishima's biggest concern. 

_ I wonder what it’s like to be loved by you. _

**Author's Note:**

> beta read by [yellow_beanie_boi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellow_beanie_boi)


End file.
